Best Classified Ad Ever

MikeD sent me this work of genius.  Enjoy…


OK, let me start off by saying this  Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of  men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a  vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow,  this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that  manly.


It was never intended to drive to the  mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at  Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It  wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens  & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If  that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do  us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it.  Just stop.


This car was engineered by 3rd degree  ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan  to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a  daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy  boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t  get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let  anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).


No, this brute  comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super  action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun  the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant  upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of  whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of  leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission  so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll  still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window  and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more  than once.


It has room for you and the four  hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast  your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to  pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine  gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the  one that got shot out by The Man.


My price on  this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll  entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean  don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it.  That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three  fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah.

Let’s just  say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay  concert anymore.


There’s only 69,000 miles on  this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass.

Trust me,  it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry  your name.

It will live on as a monument to your  machismo.


Now, go look in the mirror and tell me  what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super  brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then  contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping  or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to  you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice  glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.


To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in  this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling  quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard  me. FREE MC Hammer pants.


Rock on.





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s